When I learned to approach my relationships with the mindset of effectiveness, my life changed dramatically. It wasn’t as though it was some crazy new idea, but I had simply never thought through my interactions in that way before. 

Like many people, I did not have the best examples of what healthy relationships were growing up. I also was heavily influenced by media, which often romanticises toxic behaviour in relationships. When that is all that you see around you, it is hard not to mimic it and believe that it is normal. But unfortunately, media also tends to leave out the worst parts of toxic relationships, which can leave you feeling lost and afraid, or even worse. I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster that many relationships in my life were taking me on, and I wanted to do everything in my power to change that. I decided to join a DBT group which I attended once per week for several months.

I will take you through an activity from my first workshop on effectiveness. It began like this:

Imagine a time when you recently got angry or upset at someone in your life. Choose a time that may not have ended well or gone as you would have liked.

Now reflect on the following questions.

1. What happened? What led up to you being angry? How did you respond? How did you communicate this anger or frustration to the other person? What was the outcome?

2. Now think, what were you angry really about? What did you want to have occurred or what do you wish actually happened in the situation? What response were you looking for from the other person? What was the outcome that you desired?

3. This part can be hard, but you need to really try to be honest with yourself; would how you chose to respond logically have led to your desired outcome? Would it make sense for your actions to lead to the response you were looking for from the other person? I’ll give you a hint, usually this answer is no if the situation did not end well. 

4. Finally, how could you have acted that would more likely lead to the outcome you wanted? What response do you think was necessary to most likely result in your goal for the situation? How can you do this next time? This is effectiveness. 

I’ll go through an example of my own. In a past situation, I was upset with my partner for seemingly forgetting my birthday. I waited all day, getting more and more upset, and finally got mad at the end of the night and yelled at them. The outcome was that we both spent the night upset and did not do anything together for my birthday. I was angry that they forgot about it, and I was upset about missing out on doing something fun for my birthday. What I really wanted was to go out for dinner or a movie to celebrate. Choosing to stay silent and getting more upset throughout the night before finally yelling at my partner would not have logically led to going out for my birthday, or enjoying time with my partner. If I wanted to go out for my birthday with my partner, the most likely step to reach that goal would have been to remind them earlier in the day and plan an outing together. That may not fix that they forgot my birthday (which is out of my control), but it would result in the outcome I wanted for the night. 

When observed in this way, I realized many of my actions did not take sensible steps toward what I wanted, and were often instead fueled by emotional reactions. This was preventing me from doing many of the things I wanted to do and having the healthy relationships that I wanted. It took effort, but with practice I was able to stop my initial emotional response and instead think of the most effective action to take to reach the outcome I was hoping for. This dramatically changed many of my relationships, and also made me recognize the use of effectiveness (or lack of) in other people in my life. This also helped me to develop the necessary boundaries with those who could not or would not communicate effectively. Through the use of effectiveness, I have been happier and healthier in my relationships.

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