Self-Care vs Self-Sabotage:

Last month, I tried my best to convey a message about self-care that took me years to learn; that self-care is a preventative measure, not a reactionary cure, to stress. Hopefully this message got through to you, and you now know that self-care IS a productive use of your time, regardless of whether you feel an immediate effect in your stress level. Now I want to focus on another important lesson in self-care; how do you know if what you’re doing is self-care, and not just distracting yourself from the task at hand? It can be a tough distinction to make, and there are a few things to consider:

Is it a break or losing focus?

We have all been there: we look at our phone briefly to check the time, get caught up checking on a notification on social media, and before we know it 2 hours have past and all we have done is sscccrrrooolllllllll. We technically had a break from the work we were doing, but it doesn’t feel rejuvenating and took up way more time than it should have. This isn’t self-care because the break taken was not purposeful. It happened by accident, and therefore was not planned or thought out. Checking your notifications can certainly be a break for you, but you need to purposefully plan your breaks for doing this and set a limit. This can help you avoid getting lost mindlessly in the feed. There may also be better ways for you personally to take a break. Checking your phone is easy, but perhaps taking some time to stretch, listen to a song, go for a walk, or make yourself a snack and enjoy it would motivate you more. Regardless, know yourself, and plan your breaks purposefully and often.

Is it a positive distraction or avoidance?

Despite common negative connotations, it is good for us to distract ourselves sometimes! Being able to take a step back from what we are focused on to do something completely different can be exactly what we need to overcome difficulty focusing or a block in creativity. But sometimes we take a step back from something we aren’t too thrilled about doing simply because we do not want to be doing it. Usually, we won’t really plan when to return to what we were doing at all. This is not self-care because the break taken is not intentional. Having intention for how to spend your time is very important, because it can often determine the value we receive from that time. If you feel sick of a task and simply come up with other things to do in order to delay returning to it, that is avoidance. But if you recognize that the time you are spending isn’t as productive as you would like, you can take a break by doing something completely different with the intention to refresh yourself and start again after a set timeframe. Being intentional with your time is a great practice in all areas of life, and is particularly helpful when it comes to self-care.

Is it de-stressing or distressing?

To explain this difference, I will use my dad as an example. Everyday after work my dad would come home and play video games as his self-care (although he would never call it this). Unfortunately, almost everyday he would begin playing and become increasingly frustrated and angry, often resulting in a thrown controller or even a broken game system on occasion. It became pretty obvious to the rest of the family that this activity was not doing him any good, a lesson that took him much longer to accept. He was simply increasing his stress. This is not self-care because the break did not have a positive outcome. As discussed in my previous post, it is not entirely necessary for self-care to decrease stress (although this may be the goal). However, it is necessary that the activity have some positive outcome, and does not result in increased stress. So while you may have just as many things on your mind, you may feel a positive shift in your body, such as calmer breathing or less tension in your muscles, or a shift in your mood or focus. But if the activity only increases the negative sensations going on, it is not self-care. Again, this is an area that will require some self-awareness on your part. What works for one person will not work for another. Some people find cleaning relaxing, many despise it. Social interactions invigorate some, and exhaust others. Some love their murder documentaries, I get vivid nightmares! You have to know yourself and what works for you, but make sure you are honest with yourself when something just isn’t working!

So, when trying to regularly do self-care without accidentally sabotaging your productivity, ask yourself the following questions:

Is this break activity purposeful?

Is my time taken for this break intentional?

Did the break have an overall positive effect?

These should help you to know how to effectively cope with and hopefully reduce your stress in professional and personal settings. The more you practice self-care, the easier it becomes to recognize what you need in different moments depending on the type of stress you are feeling. Stay tuned for a future post explaining the difference between negative and positive stress (yes, some stress IS good!).